used to be

 I miss how I used to be. 

What was that, a different me? 

The one who found at least part of life fun,

the one that would plan, you know,

always have some project on the go.

Must put my crushed pottery back together.

Acrimonious Sun

Acrimony of the spring sun,

a warmth that chills you

the cold words and feelings streaming mentally through you

and the glory of Easter fading, evading. 

   Memories and challenges scalp your nervous system

        ever nervy, not breathing right, tight shouldered, fight or flight. 

Jaggedly, you stroll,

        ricocheting off the temple

and the stone walls. 

Fresh snow against a blue sky.

Darkest of Dark

Oh life, oh weird days, I cannot help but moan, 

It's hard to face and realize that I am left alone.

The days tick by, with breath and life, 

But I am sick with mental strife.

I am not sure when this will end, 

    or if it ever will. 

I hope to stay just on the edge, 

Of this fatal blackened pill.

To live with aching, know the holy, 

To know God's love in the melancholy...

But am I only saying the words, 

Is my soul screaming, incensed?

Are my habits saying the exact opposite

    of my bullshit God-talk nonsense?

I am lost for now and I know, I know

This isn't easy, timely or bright.

But sacred and suffering go hand in hand

in my darkest of dark lonely nights. 

It takes a lot

I don't know

we could be here for more than this

we could be here to hug and kiss

we could be bugs on God's great back

we could be the mole or maybe the gnatt

It takes a lot

to stay here and live

and all the long while

to move on and forgive

but no matter the hour

the day or the month

I still find a reason

to call you a cunt.

amusing

Will I ever see you again?

How selfish, I missed my task.

Will you come back and visit my love?

I know I shouldn't ask.

The hours no longer change my love.

I changed the front room colours.

The kids are doing fine, my love.

The life you gave is all ours.

I miss you deeply, dearly now.

This life is so confusing.

I'd like to say I'm fine my love.

But depression is so amusing. 

Do not be afraid

Riddled in the garbage of cities

there is a place where skeletons lie-

you can go to just be, honor and think

as the wind and the deer wander by.

Roads will always meander slow, 

grass so bright and green-

ghosts will brush and scrape about 

to be heard and to be seen.

But when and where do the ashes settle?

Only Universe knows-

in the sea and in the trees

and in the starlit shows?

In all the ways the ash spreads out,

and yet the sadness stays,

all those glitter-mourned spots on earth

shining with "Do not be afraid."

I am looking for I love you's

I am looking for I love you's

behind the shelf, in the box

I am looking for I love you's

from the depth of my heart

I am searching for I love you's

the words at any cost

I am yearning for I love you's

but there are none and I am lost.

Skies

I’ve seen orange skies and blue skies and hot pink Barbie dress morning skies. And blended blue and purple skies with clouds that weave like oily puddles on the dome. I’ve seen moons peek and slice amongst the odd dim star. I’ve seen light flash the backs of trees and wake the birds and dogs from their lazy slumber parties. I’ve felt the air and wanted to fly and knew I was protected by the God of all Gods.

feeling again in the Fallen Angels Show

Will I awaken from this dream called Death? This insane illusion?

There is no clarity here, the door blew open and the mist came in-

There are no twilight hours, only grey storms of confusion 

and voices that

don't want or need me around. 

You could drown in it, the eternal judgement game.

I exist too far from God's love, 

it echoes out here, feeling, and feeling and feeling again.

its the Fallen Angels running this show,

and I'm caught up in the plot, ya know? 

Pretend.

there is a sadness that I embrace as I go about my day

nothing too serious too defeating or "guillotining" 

just a drag

the joy is gone

the stars shine for no one

how can 3 feel like 4? 

I have to pretend to want to be here now.

And it feels damp. low. fake. 

I am trying to reclaim my space but

the more I do, the more he is gone. 

Behind the now

the soft snow falls for no reason now. 

I love my kids more than anything. 

I have to pretend even more. 

not him

It creeps up on you

one must hold oneself to get through it

the wrecking ball of alone

like half of you gone

no one to hug 

well, not him. 

The Stage

In the bounds of this mind

ungoverned and wild,

a theatre, a stage and the

singular inner child.

There I am, turning,

stage left, stage right,

memories and melodies

and a bright spot light.

I fall more than dance,

try to shrink, bright and loud-

shadows booing and punching,

as I crawl through the crowd.

hands

it's a hard world, in God's hands.

 

My Love

Well today my love I miss you terribly,

the way you walked into a room,

the way you came up the stairs, and talked to the cats.

I miss you every day, and today is but Valentines Day, 

with all those hearts and flowers. 

I feel your heart and your flowers. 

I would like to talk to you, my love. 

See you tonight, in dreams galore. 

I love you.

💔

Thunder to the Light

The darkest dark came months ago, 

when he was still quite near.

The trampling "when" and "why" of life,

and "how" the fuck are we here.

illness opened far and wide

and he was suddenly        far away.

I had to wish death off of us

and learn to face the day.

Then the doom felt closer

like thunder to the light.

And now we three are left alone

to weep throughout the night. 

old fires

I left myself at the back of the house, 

one corner with no draft or window, no splendid views

I sat there, thinking about the world, 

dreaming of both edges and horizons

on and on forever

till memories bashed and foamed

and life felt both hard and soft in the dare of a dream.

how to feel this, ingest in God this terrible aching-

outside, the warm colors of the sky 

draped like sand

like Emily Carr would paint it.

flares from 

old fires

dressed the dense forest. 

here in the corner

i can be with you again.

Aches

every day you are further away

every rolling of the moon and stars into morning light, 

every change of date, you aren't here even more and more.

it aches. 

All the Sweetest Flowers

I pray all the sweetest flowers line your way,

I pray Archangel Michael, prince and host of heaven, 

has adorned you with the most exquisite welcome.

As you journey North, lightward, into the doers well deserved sleep

such wonders you must see as the minstrel tones the bells.

I pray in gratitude, you are infused in love and hues, 

no average earthly being could imagine or view...

may God be with you.

Day 22

Baby you'd be proud of all the things I've accomplished. All the people I've connected with. 

Picked up some pheromone thing for Dragon today and also bought 2 new filters for the dishwasher. Wallpaper arrived today for the front hall, and an eagle light, for stairs, 2 fire LED bulbs for the front room. You know how I hate those white lights. I am thinking of putting all the white light bulbs in a box with free on it. Rid this house of everything that reminds me of my work and aging. After all the fluorescent lighting I've worked under, it amazes me anyone would choose to have it at home too. 

I still have a lot to do and the manic burnout paralysis is still around. I am hounded by my own thoughts at all times. It's hard to sleep. No point in drifting through and through the self pity. Such dregs, enough, enough. I don't know whether to feel lucky or unlucky, and that seems sacrilegious in a way. 

I miss you dearly. I need more signs from you baby. What you gonna do, drop a pea or 2? Can a crow drop a Cheesy Poof? Will you please speak to me in a dream and hold me? I love you. 

Day whatever

There is nothing and everything to look forward to at night. 

Not here not here not here

But he is here.

We were four but now are three.

Is there forever sadness in this? 

Will he come in a dream tonight? 

Where will this land as I unwind my enmeshed lovescape

Turning over in this world around me like I am alright. 

I am not alright, even though it feels good to smile. 

I am not alright, even though every night, 

I hope he will return, hold me one more time. 

Time

I saw your Gonzaga sweater today on the back of a chair. 

I could imagine you, tossing it there. 

It's been there for days now and I didn't see it. 

I moved your slippers and new shoes, days ago now. 

I gathered your blankets and socks. 

Your robe still hangs on our bathroom door. 

I feel you, in rooms, in ways, but yearn for you even more than ever. 

I want your life to be now, and if not that, your death to be forever yesterday.

A Suit

I hear you making sounds downstairs, a cough, dropping something

Our sons voice.

You came to me in a dream, baby. Thank you.

I wish I could pull you in and hold you anytime.

Hold you again. 

See if you have gained weight now.

There is no one to touch in bed now. 

You were dressed in a suit in the dream, weird, I thought to myself, and 

"He is back from the dead." 

But it was all in my head. 

Describe You

I want to cherish you, hold you, describe you

Keep every conversation about you

How you were, how we were, how you were going to be...

You were great at planning vacations and kids sports.

You ordered appetizers and wine on date nights.

You purchased winter snowgear. 

You researched appliances.

Driving is hard, waking is hard, sleeping is hard now. 

Distilled, this life is so funny, isn't it honey? 

Like in the movie, Don't Look Up: 

"We really did have everything, didn't we? I mean, when you think about it."

It's important

Long grey blue ashy days 

sometimes begin with pink clouds tumbling over one another -

those butter yellow skies between

trying to wake the birdsong,

drying the damp leaves 

and crevices.

Time topples outward now. Away. Away from the day and him. 

I am weak from 11 days of emotion. Shaking, fear spiking, thought-spirals dustclouding my way.

Where is he? I need to speak with him. It's important. 

Day 5

Honey I miss you. Baby where are you right now? Are you with your Mom, my aunt, your aunt, Snake, Taser? Eddie? Lucy? Jesus? Are there Saints where you are? Have you finished your life review, and how was it? Better than you thought eh. We had a good love with each other. We really did. We fought lots too and were both equally pains in the others arse, but I loved you so much baby. You look so good in all these pictures of you, especially the more recent ones. You were always charismatic, outgoing, calm, hanging out, looking sharp, acting cool. You were golden. You were my everything for 20 years. We went a lot of places together, New York, Las Vegas, Mexico, California, Osoyoos, Hana, Hayden, Coeur Dalene, Edmonton. We had fun at Silverwood, Disney Land, Edmonton Mall... We went zip lining, tubing, go carting, sledding, skiing, frisbee, softball, poker, UFC, concerts, kids concerts... The joy seems all I am left with, the fights really so insignificant. The challenge of staying together was met, even through arguments about ideologies and covid vaccines. It wasn't easy to stay together, but we always did. Through the thick of life and the thin of death. I am jealous, you truly know it all now. You were always so intelligent too, one of your most attractive qualities. Never mind your sexy bike courier legs. I always called us 2 peas in a pod. Both virgos, 10 years apart. You a sports lover, me, an artsy woo lover. Somehow we compliment eachother. 20 years. A third of your life I knew you, lived with you for 19 but joined at the hip from the start. Remember how your friends would notice how we were always snuggled together when they came over at the Kitchener place? Then we moved to Princess and had that funky old poker table in the living room? Bears wandering by... Eddie catching young duck to put in the bowl for Gusto, who peed on your shit so we rehomed. We then got pregnant with Hendrix, and moved into Warrick St. Then, when kids were 5 and 3, we moved to Nelson. Now, I need to hold onto this house. It seems the universe is telling me this, as I repeat the life story of my Grandma. Not the same story, but one where you lose your husband, and live in the same house for as long as possible. We shall see what life brings. For now at least this next year, we will baste in the memories that flood this good house. A happy family house. I always thought that about this house, it has good family vibes. The last family moved but not for the reason of divorce. That was important for some reason. We made it snookums, and now you're in a better place. I expect some messages and dreams, Shacker. You better come my way again and again. You owe me, seeing as you have left me "alone" for the rest of my days. I love you.

Day 4

Death is managed, 

Affairs, emails, offers, looks, charity.

Angels rise up like unspoken words you wish you’d said.

Flowers arrange themselves beautiful on ledges and tables

While memories and objects come around and around.

I can’t stop talking to him. I know what he would say. 

Day 4 my love is gone. 

Winter

Trembling winter birds

Bringing on the day’s fray.

Dragging like wedding

Celebrations through the mud.

Where are the cabs? The Santas? The lights?

Only winter blue, barely white with 

Fogged out headlights twinkling upon the hillside. 

Scary times ahead. Fly safe. 

The Sounds of a Town

There is always a buzz

A hum in turns and mountains tops. 

Glory and fright ride these silent dark waves 

when the power goes out. 

Like all is nestled but dangerous at once.

And the moon comes up 

To the honking trains, car alarms, cat fights, npc’s going to work.

While the ambulance sleeps till the fighting and dying begins. 

Memories of smaller, quieter, more wooden times

flood these parts -

And the lengths between us seem to stretch in some months.

But the town is nice and the people too. 

So here we live on 

in the rumbling hum of our lives. 

The Fall

Time does not feel healing right now. 

Time charges onward, raging fast and furious 

Like lions or tigers or bears, oh my.

Every day feels precious and fleeting. 

The clock never stops for a minute. 

Don’t ruminate on the impending doom of it all. 

Just enjoy the fall.

How Many How Many’s?

How many more midnights 

Till the ache of dawn will fall, 

Heavily.

How many times will we fall asleep together 

Touching each other just to know we are there? 

When will I lose my protector? My enmeshed lovely lover? The kids Father? 

How many how many’s do we have left?

Rise

In this grief I have found a rotten heart

a mad heart, 

black at times like a 

second sun burning darker than any worm hole

such words woven from this heart 

are not to be kept around

but can't be swept away either

there is a balancing and I must now pay 

for the anger

isolate? self-hating?

I will rise again to surface where the light may trickle in like glory

over the drowning.

But who scared the butterfly

The world has lost weight

and while going fast, racing, dizzy, 

we are not having any fun. 

I tripped the other day

on a pile of bad thoughts

dragging from my slides like toiletpaper now.

And from this skinny world, came chaos, fluster, anger, despair. 

Sleepless nights, panic attacks, pity and charity. Love. Family. Depression. 

But who scared the butterfly, anyway?

Red Rover

Blue Jay is here

    rain showers clear these dusty-dirty-edges-

Fogs gloss the green moss round the rocky pulpit ledges

    Moons wax 

and link arms, 

waning in the sad sad new-world harm, 

with a dollop here and a dollop there of star form,

carrying on and with, inward and over,

    but all the while, the hater the lover,

both sides calling: red rover, red rover...

 

Feel Everything

Just be the shit on the fucking floor

crumble down, it's the final score

you know you're worth nothing, prick,

and you were the one to fucking create this shit

you're a total piece of worthless nothing

you're weak, why are you huffing and puffing?

you don't deserve this chance

they can tell it all at a single glance

I can't breathe

I can't write

I can't muster this annoying fight

I give up

I give in

I can't deal with my own sin

where do I go from here

there's nowhere to go, I fear

All of a sudden I see light

I see light 

I have fight 

and I'm not gonna give up

It's my right

It's the reason

for this dark season

I am here

I am love

I am everything I should be

I am me

and I am free

I am loved and I feel everything

Alleyways

One day I'm not going to hide. 

Won't feel so small.

Won't want to curl up into a ball.

One day I'll be gone from this world, and know I had it all wrong. Believing the illusions and forgetting to be the light. 

And you'll never know this battered brain traversed these woods, and wandered so fully into the depths of darkness. 

But I've always loved alleyways so that says a lot. 

Heartbroken

the blue sky over snow topped tree lines

helicopters echo off winter mountains

the hard the cold the weary and wise

hollowing with wants, needs and lives.

it's ok now.

yawn this manic life to a low 'n lovely roar, 

make your way

you heartbroken...

The Red Sky

The Earth with her divine beauty and union is yet to be properly healed

But the time is coming, the moment close, where all will be revealed

🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥

Tuning

Now everything buzzes

even the silence

and the space.

Can this world not be calm and quiet?

Trains, storms, sirens, cars

rushing 

like blood,

tuning like a radio in my head.

Today

So many people have won this battle.

So many people have already felt this way.

Spirit has come here for this very battle.

Don't think you can't do it

It's doable

It's beatable.

It's holding you back and wearing you down like water on rock.

Risk it all

Do the hard thing

Beat the shit out of this habit

Today.

Find Grace

Let's start the show, 

it's time to go,

this waiting drives me mad.

It's now or no,

the winds of soul,

the devil's got you read.

Where the town

and when the glory?

and why this zombie movie?

Amongst the storm,

this painful story, 

liars lie their worry.

Find grace,

never conspire, 

avoid the fallen angel's fire.

 

Rusty Old Worlds

Younger days are done, old friend,

Impaling skies are ready,

Leaves curl down for light little naps

As the winter sets in steady.

The maestro sends the stars in now

Whether spinning or cupped in firmament,

Rainbows spend their treasures, proud

Neither temporary nor permanent.

And all about,        at the end of Earth,

Whatever war or corporation that prevails,

It crowds through the brick, the stone, the wood, 

Mud and fire resetting what fails. 

The dust may tumble and settle, unfurl

    next to rusty old decadent worlds. 

the ring

what if I told you

would you want to know?

or does this pain you

to think

to know 

I still wear the silver ring you found

in the mall on the ground

years ago? 

smoking

thoughtful 

creeping

shadows stripping

legs and alley ways.     orange lit streets

tagged up walls 

black dress         tripping

high heels     clacking

while you roam alone

smoking from corner to home

God is Winning the Fuck

positively buzzing

humming and hey ladies

lets welcome this next yard up,

lets party this next decade away

its getting better

its getting warmer

God is winning the fuck

out of this shit as world.

All die down

One day the sounds 

Will all die down, 

Light will take the lead,

The flies will shake the last wind east,

The birds will tip their beaks.

The rampant yawn of cars and streets

Will finish off and locked,

The roads will wander through the thunder

Silent, lonely, shocked.

And look here man,

Let me tell you what,

I swear, no word of a lie

The final moments 

Of this great world

Will impress you as fireworks fly.

The skies will throw a fiery red,

The seas will rise and fall,

And all amidst all when and how,

You'll see creator's show.

But years from now, 

Or minutes from now!

The bugs will hatch 

                            anew. 

And dust will settle down the line

Of all that made you you.

Ready

Twilight shadow 

Window 

Baby blue skies

Rooftops 

Muddy roads and lives 

Shallow crammed together houses 

Costly roudy neighbors and spouses 

Balance suddenly manic and pouncing 

Dirt roads frantic and frosty

While the city glow rises again

Simple and Sacred

Fresh long wet roads with dusty edges 

rolled and rolling into Selkirk's vivid lush greens and blues

Proprietary woody smells, never ending peaks,

snowy drops,

bridges and boats, always there for townsfolk. Always waiting for the crossings.

Smoke in winter, smoke in summer

land on edge of eden or born into it, not sure yet.

Had to be here, have to show the real human souls, the high worth of entangling oneself here

with the beautiful, simple and sacred.

excepting

shake it all off

this is a low

that does not need remembering

your throat scratches

your skin folds

nothing holds

except God

shadow

this is a very dark period of your life

take it as such

nothing much happens

in the comforting, pandering of tomorrow.

everything lingers

on the edge of true sorrow

on the pieces
of you and me and others

lost in heartache and shadow.

liars slack

half alive in a hardened world

stepping over the dead

gazing directly hard ahead

drifting in the scent 

of cinnamon and cider

hello spider

where'd you come from?

crickle cracked in 

on the back of the wind

now it's time to chill

time to relax

maybe we can beat these

flies and spies and liars who slack

the breakup

the benches flower beds 

are torn and burn 

sadness stitches together

looking away

long gone to hope

the horizon stretching mad

towards the wide orange eye 

setting on two lonely people

one more time

is this our end?

should we say goodbye again? 

are there alternatives to this my friend?

nah. 

let's go.

Kootenay Summer

Sweet sweet smelling Kootenay summers

Nothing better

Nothing brighter

Nothing more godly and glaringly wonderful.

dark parts

I shouldn't blame you 

for having a mind

that refuses to see the dark parts

of this world.

I shouldn't press 

my black corners 

on your white walls.

Spirit

I prayed to get to know you

I challenged God! to come and show me.

All around me, the muddy glory of a world

that I would not have known!

were it not for, God, oh god...

 

Keeper

A lilac bends her wilted head 
grey against the glass, 

the wind, keeper of secrets 
stained in the raw silty sideways puddles,

yards unravel in dewy debris, dog walkers go by
finally.

Another Day

Source is a rush
 long-strand energy
karma exploding 

from long-standing friendships,

responsibilities,
glazed in time and destiny.

A day can be a portal
a new way to imagine,
 a handful of vibrating sand 

on God's badass speakers,
thumpin in a fucked up world, 

itchy at your elbow, at your head, the nose.

Yet pray we dream another day...

The Worms and I

Dig out of this soft, long tunnel

Lord save me from myself

Fill me with your light

It is dark in here tonight

The worms and I 

Swimming for glory

Telling our story

Reaching for the sky once more.

The Tower Moment

Could we be upon the Tower?

People scattered unaware

Peeled back, fighting in rows in

The long and lingering night.

Cities asleep

Monuments in jail

Earth is low, trembling

Healing in the release of winds, storms, hail.

Bright Thing

OK, bright little thing

Try to find peace

and joy and 

glory again in the forests of Morning Mountain.

Search for love

in the crevices, traces

long gone and lost, at times

dusty in places.

You are ready

for so much and more

faith will hurry abundance

straight to the door.

Let's go, Bright Thing!

Strong and steady!

UnPack that baggage,

Universe is ready.

Dark Thing

Given to the wind

the harrowing sound of change         ushers in...

No more Silence, sheets and trees roar,

spread no wings, lady crow, tonight,

neither thin, nor wide, nor black and white.

A storm is brewing.

We will be ever-reaching branches of the sky

near the end of earth

for a while.

Lest it be not mentioned, no glory to dark Hollywood, 

for it showed many evils and yet,

then stepped up the Gods. 

All of them. 

Beams of sparkling years-old light

caught in whispers; these clouds 

miles away, in a new world,

fixing this dark thing

the world found itself in...

wish

wish I could delete part of me
the part that forgot how to live

alone and down

alone and down down

alone and down down down the hole

i go

the sound of men

The sound of men

I need the sound of men

foot steps, laughter, and engine proud

Give me the sound of men

all the loud, bold, manly refrains

Give us all the sound of men

cajoling, encouraging, shy and testing

Give the sound of men

to the fire, skies, mountains and mist.

Cologne

wearing cologne to smell love, arms, protection

when none are around

Unprotected

Have I ever been protected by anyone, really? 

I feel belly up, wide open-

injured and in the weeds. 

If something comes at me, there is no one to save me.

It is me against the world. 

Shove

This is a life with little family and 

no friends. 

This is a life with lessons of loneliness, 

like floating in a spacesuit on a string in universe.

No one pulls me in, 

no one notices I am

gone...

into the dark places,

lonely in the forest, 

    alone in the four house walls...

the pushing ache of close people shoving me away. 

Circle of Medicine Journey #6

Grey black animals prodded through the black, black skies of the room.

Energy flowed through the room like waves, waves sloshing,
thick with thoughts
from activated, strong, warrior women.

I called upon Wolf to assist me,
as I waited and listened.

Laid on my stomach, bobbed my head side to side.

I imagined a Grizzly walking by.
Wolf jumped up to protect me,
I jumped up to protect him too.

Both of us with fierce, fearless yells to walk on, Great Forest Ruler, walk on.

A red flower appeared in the room, bloomed high, small and bright, for me it seemed

or was that my ego shining through?

Almost like a poppy in the air.

Soldier ancestors, called there to the healing murmurs and cries in the sacred room.

Once the ancestors arrived, great great granddaughters and grandsons came to mind, 

and how many will call us into the room on another timeline- one they choose.

Monstrous memories and thoughts cloud the room, and move, twirl, swirl and swiftly blow aside with the beautiful chanting and music of V- more helped, drawn, quartered and blown by the harmonious and glorious A.

Energy moved. It moved fast and slow, ebbed and flowed about the space, the door stuck ajar for the bad to move out, the protected light to move in.

We gathered it up in deep, deep breathes, still, but vibrating for one another. 

We came to the middle, tight together, laughing in the darkness- a tangled question of who was beside who, and who passed crystals to help, and who held my hand and patted my back and whispered “beautiful” as we all sang together.

V, central and strong and steady, like an osprey coursing the winds of our attention.

When I went outside the stars had wide auras that pulsed green.
The moon cast grey shadows, the most perfect grey amongst the milky light.
The sparkling snow, the sparkling snow!
Breathe, deep, deeper. Let it whisper across your lips.

My eyes did not cry, but I cried through others who did. I laughed as sobs became thanks with a touch and a sage and a song.

The icarus drew a huge wave out, stronger than the first.
I sat up in the stillness to capture it all, see what was there.

My chant from the Cleaner was joyous and the blessing rippled all bad things out my skin.

The night was a lot to unpack. 

We did just that: reconstituted, shared, checked in, and glued us all back together again.

And the coyotes sang to the train: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…

Jan 14/15 2022

To the Freedoms

What winds stretch back to the beginning of the last year,

strange and wandering winds with towers laden, fools and wounds wound round and back.

Whistling come here, come through fire to be, through earth to see,

Through water to the free, to the freedom your ancestors 

Thought they fought for. 

No Longer Man for Man

Create in a new and beautiful way

a way that only you can.

Create your village

in some God's image

bright dominating glorious mountain eyes!

lonely rivers that meet in bustling great runions,

hillsides peppered with lovers and lambs...

Fusions of trade and kitchens and farms,

collectives roam and plan,

houses high, inland-

No longer man for man.

 

Young Soul

As world forms,

as time unearths its raw toll on you,

don't fret, young soul.

I hear you

I see you

I feel you

In the thorns of my own misdeeds

Emotions, Heavy as black holes

I hope you are free now;

I hope you have 

glorious and new worlds

next time around.

Bleak

The hum

in the house

just won't stop.

focus on breathing. 

but burning. smoke everywhere. 

I am dredged inside and out 

and now nothing lies flat in my life.

painful ocean floor meets littered beach shore,

storm clouds pushing through my thoughts,

choking- 

smashing against the rocks for trying.

When you're not here

Dig deep and far and wide my dear. 

this world is hazy.

The neighbor is crazy.

I'm feeling lazy. 

Like Buddha would say 

have you found the middle way?

Help each other

out and through

What more is there to do?

What should we fucking do

Lonely with you here,

Nothing is clear,

two souls on board

two separate souls, I'm told.

Screaming

the world keeps churning through the days

feather light,

they float on by...
silence upon the devastated,
the obvious, macabre...

so here I scream.

here I scour, watching horror unfold.
only my heart can unhandle this reality.

it's a very lonely place to be.

perhaps I was meant to break off, 

leaf falling away.

when will I stop screaming? do you know?
but at least you,
you, my friend, will know that

someone...
someone was screaming, crazy mad, for you,
at the very beginning.

~ Dedicated to Sean Hartman's Dad

This world

What is wrong with you all?

Why such blind trust in this world around you?