There is nothing and everything to look forward to at night.
Not here not here not here
But he is here.
We were four but now are three.
Is there forever sadness in this?
Will he come in a dream tonight?
Where will this land as I unwind my enmeshed lovescape
Turning over in this world around me like I am alright.
I am not alright, even though it feels good to smile.
I am not alright, even though every night,
I hope he will return, hold me one more time.
I hear you making sounds downstairs, a cough, dropping something
Our sons voice.
You came to me in a dream, baby. Thank you.
I wish I could pull you in and hold you anytime.
Hold you again.
See if you have gained weight now.
There is no one to touch in bed now.
You were dressed in a suit in the dream, weird, I thought to myself, and
"He is back from the dead."
But it was all in my head.
I want to cherish you, hold you, describe you
Keep every conversation about you
How you were, how we were, how you were going to be...
You were great at planning vacations and kids sports.
You ordered appetizers and wine on date nights.
You purchased winter snowgear.
You researched appliances.
Driving is hard, waking is hard, sleeping is hard now.
Distilled, this life is so funny, isn't it honey?
Like in the movie, Don't Look Up:
"We really did have everything, didn't we? I mean, when you think about it."
Long grey blue ashy days
sometimes begin with pink clouds tumbling over one another -
those butter yellow skies between
trying to wake the birdsong,
drying the damp leaves
and crevices.
Time topples outward now. Away. Away from the day and him.
I am weak from 11 days of emotion. Shaking, fear spiking, thought-spirals dustclouding my way.
Where is he? I need to speak with him. It's important.
Honey I miss you. Baby where are you right now? Are you with your Mom, my aunt, your aunt, Snake, Taser? Eddie? Bob? Jesus? Are there Saints where you are? Have you finished your life review, and how was it? Better than you thought eh. We had a good love with each other. We really did. We fought lots too and were both equally pains in the others arse, but I loved you so much baby. You look so good in all these pictures of you, especially the more recent ones. You were always charismatic, outgoing, calm, hanging out, looking sharp, acting cool. You were golden. You were my everything for 20 years. We went a lot of places together, New York, Las Vegas, Mexico, California, Osoyoos, Hana, Hayden, Coeur Dalene, Edmonton. We had fun at Silverwood, Disney Land, Edmonton Mall... We went zip lining, tubing, go carting, sledding, skiing, frisbee, softball, poker, UFC, concerts, kids concerts... The joy seems all I am left with, the fights really so insignificant. The challenge of staying together was met, even through arguments about ideologies and covid vaccines. It wasn't easy to stay together, but we always did. Through the thick of life and the thin of death. I am jealous, you truly know it all now. You were always so intelligent too, one of your most attractive qualities. Never mind your sexy bike courier legs. I always called us 2 peas in a pod. Both virgos, 10 years apart. You a sports lover, me, an artsy woo lover. Somehow we compliment eachother. 20 years. A third of your life I knew you, lived with you for 19 but joined at the hip from the start. Remember how your friends would notice how we were always snuggled together when they came over at the Kitchener place? Then we moved to Princess and had that funky old poker table in the living room? Bears wandering by... Eddie catching young duck to put in the bowl for Gusto, who peed on your shit so we rehomed. We then got pregnant with Hendrix, and moved into 265 Warrick St, Coquitlam. Then, when kids were 5 and 3, we moved to Nelson, Robertson Ave. Now, I need to hold onto this house. It seems the universe is telling me this, as I repeat the life story of my Grandma. Not the same story, but one where you lose your husband, and live in the same house for as long as possible. We shall see what life brings. For now at least this next year, we will baste in the memories that flood this good house. A happy family house. I always thought that about this house, it has good family vibes. The last family moved but not for the reason of divorce. That was important for some reason. We made it snookums, and now you're in a better place. I expect some messages and dreams, Shacker. You better come my way again and again. You owe me, seeing as you have left me "alone" for the rest of my days. I love you.
Trembling winter birds
Bringing on the day’s fray.
Dragging like wedding
Celebrations through the mud.
Where are the cabs? The Santas? The lights?
Only winter blue, barely white with
Fogged out headlights twinkling upon the hillside.
Scary times ahead. Fly safe.
Time does not feel healing right now.
Time charges onward, raging fast and furious
Like lions or tigers or bears, oh my.
Every day feels precious and fleeting.
The clock never stops for a minute.
Don’t ruminate on the impending doom of it all.
Just enjoy the fall.
How many more midnights
Till the ache of dawn will fall,
Heavily.
How many times will we fall asleep together
Touching each other just to know we are there?
When will I lose my protector? My enmeshed lovely lover? The kids Father?
How many how many’s do we have left?
In this grief I have found a rotten heart
a mad heart,
black at times like a
second sun burning darker than any worm hole
such words woven from this heart
are not to be kept around
but can't be swept away either
there is a balancing and I must now pay
for the anger
isolate? self-hating?
I will rise again to surface where the light may trickle in like glory
over the drowning.
The world has lost weight
and while going fast, racing, dizzy,
we are not having any fun.
I tripped the other day
on a pile of bad thoughts
dragging from my slides like toiletpaper now.
And from this skinny world, came chaos, fluster, anger, despair.
Sleepless nights, panic attacks, pity and charity. Love. Family. Depression.
But who scared the butterfly, anyway?
Blue Jay is here
rain showers clear these dusty-dirty-edges-
Fogs gloss the green moss round the rocky pulpit ledges
Moons wax
and link arms,
waning in the sad sad new-world harm,
with a dollop here and a dollop there of star form,
carrying on and with, inward and over,
but all the while, the hater the lover,
both sides calling: red rover, red rover...
Just be the shit on the fucking floor
crumble down, it's the final score
you know you're worth nothing, prick,
and you were the one to fucking create this shit
you're a total piece of worthless nothing
you're weak, why are you huffing and puffing?
you don't deserve this chance
they can tell it all at a single glance
I can't breathe
I can't write
I can't muster this annoying fight
I give up
I give in
I can't deal with my own sin
where do I go from here
there's nowhere to go, I fear
All of a sudden I see light
I see light
I have fight
and I'm not gonna give up
It's my right
It's the reason
for this dark season
I am here
I am love
I am everything I should be
I am me
and I am free
I am loved and I feel everything
One day I'm not going to hide.
Won't feel so small.
Won't want to curl up into a ball.
One day I'll be gone from this world, and know I had it all wrong. Believing the illusions and forgetting to be the light.
And you'll never know this battered brain traversed these woods, and wandered so fully into the depths of darkness.
But I've always loved alleyways so that says a lot.
the blue sky over snow topped tree lines
helicopters echo off winter mountains
the hard the cold the weary and wise
hollowing with wants, needs and lives.
it's ok now.
yawn this manic life to a low 'n lovely roar,
make your way
you heartbroken...
The Earth with her divine beauty and union is yet to be properly healed
But the time is coming, the moment close, where all will be revealed
🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥🟥
Now everything buzzes
even the silence
and the space.
Can this world not be calm and quiet?
Trains, storms, sirens, cars
rushing
like blood,
tuning like a radio in my head.
So many people have won this battle.
So many people have already felt this way.
Spirit has come here for this very battle.
Don't think you can't do it
It's doable
It's beatable.
It's holding you back and wearing you down like water on rock.
Risk it all
Do the hard thing
Beat the shit out of this habit
Today.
Let's start the show,
it's time to go,
this waiting drives me mad.
It's now or no,
the winds of soul,
the devil's got you read.
Where the town
and when the glory?
and why this zombie movie?
Amongst the storm,
this painful story,
liars lie their history.
Find grace,
never conspire,
avoid the fallen angel's fire.
Younger days are done, old friend,
Impaling skies are ready,
Leaves curl down for light little naps
As the winter sets in steady.
The maestro sends the stars in now
Whether spinning or cupped in firmament,
Rainbows spend their treasures, proud
Neither temporary nor permanent.
And all about, at the end of Earth,
Whatever war or corporation that prevails,
It crowds through the brick, the stone, the wood,
Mud and fire resetting what fails.
The dust may tumble and settle, unfurl
next to rusty old decadent worlds.
would you want to know?
or does this pain you
to think
to know
I still wear the silver ring you found
in the mall on the ground
years ago?
positively buzzing
humming and hey ladies
lets welcome this next yard up,
lets party this next decade away
its getting better
its getting warmer
God is winning the fuck
out of this shit as world.
One day the sounds
Will all die down,
Light will take the lead,
The flies will shake the last wind east,
The birds will tip their beaks.
The rampant yawn of cars and streets
Will finish off and locked,
The roads will wander through the thunder
Silent, lonely, shocked.
And look here man,
Let me tell you what,
I swear, no word of a lie
The final moments
Of this great world
Will impress you as fireworks fly.
The skies will throw a fiery red,
The seas will rise and fall,
And all amidst all when and how,
You'll see our creator's show.
But years from now,
Or minutes from now!
The bugs will hatch
anew.
And dust will settle down the line
Of all that made you you.
Twilight shadow
Window
Baby blue skies
Rooftops
Muddy roads and lives
Shallow crammed together houses
Costly roudy neighbors and spouses
Balance suddenly manic and pouncing
Dirt roads frantic and frosty
While the city glow rises again
Fresh long wet roads with dusty edges
rolled and rolling into Selkirk's vivid lush greens and blues
Proprietary woody smells, never ending peaks,
snowy drops,
bridges and boats, always there for townsfolk. Always waiting for the crossings.
Smoke in winter, smoke in summer
land on edge of eden or born into it, not sure yet.
Had to be here, have to show the real human souls, the high worth of entangling oneself here
with the beautiful, simple and sacred.
shake it all off
this is a low
that does not need remembering
your throat scratches
your skin folds
nothing holds
except God
take it as such
nothing much happens
in the comforting, pandering of tomorrow.
everything lingers
on the edge of true sorrow
on the pieces
of you and me and others
lost in heartache and shadow.
are torn and burn
sadness stitches together
looking away
long gone to hope
the horizon stretching mad
towards the wide orange eye
setting on two lonely people
one more time
is this our end?
should we say goodbye again?
are there alternatives to this my friend?
nah.
let's go.
Sweet sweet smelling Kootenay summers
Nothing better
Nothing brighter
Nothing more godly and glaringly wonderful.
I shouldn't blame you
for having a mind
that refuses to see the dark parts
of this world.
I shouldn't press
my black corners
on your white walls.
I challenged God! to come and show me.
All around me, the muddy glory of a world
that I would not have known!
were it not for, God, oh god...
A lilac bends her wilted head
grey against the glass,
the wind, keeper of secrets
stained in the raw silty sideways puddles,
yards unravel in dewy debris, dog walkers go by
finally.
Dig out of this soft, long tunnel
Lord save me from myself
Fill me with your light
It is dark in here tonight
The worms and I
Swimming for glory
Telling our story
Reaching for the sky once more.
Could we be upon the Tower?
People scattered unaware
Peeled back, fighting in rows in
The long and lingering night.
Cities asleep
Monuments in jail
Earth is low, trembling
Healing in the release of winds, storms, hail.
OK, bright little thing
Try to find peace
and joy and
glory again in the forests of Morning Mountain.
Search for love
in the crevices, traces
long gone and lost, at times
dusty in places.
You are ready
for so much and more
faith will hurry abundance
straight to the door.
Let's go, Bright Thing!
Strong and steady!
UnPack that baggage,
Universe is ready.
Given to the wind
the harrowing sound of change ushers in...
No more Silence, sheets and trees roar,
spread no wings, lady crow, tonight,
neither thin, nor wide, nor black and white.
A storm is brewing.
We will be ever-reaching branches of the sky
near the end of earth
for a while.
Lest it be not mentioned, no glory to dark Hollywood,
for it showed many evils and yet,
then stepped up the Gods.
All of them.
Beams of sparkling years-old light
caught in whispers; these clouds
miles away, in a new world,
fixing this dark thing
the world found itself in...
.JPG)
The sound of men
I need the sound of men
foot steps, laughter, and engine proud
Give me the sound of men
all the loud, bold, manly refrains
Give us all the sound of men
cajoling, encouraging, shy and testing
Give the sound of men
to the fire, skies, mountains and mist.
.JPG)
Have I ever been protected by anyone, really?
I feel belly up, wide open-
injured and in the weeds.
If something comes at me, there is no one to save me.
It is me against the world.
Grey black animals prodded through the black, black skies of the room.
Energy flowed through the room like waves, waves sloshing,
What winds stretch back to the beginning of the last year,
strange and wandering winds with towers laden, fools and wounds wound round and back.
Whistling come here, come through fire to be, through earth to see,
Through water to the free, to the freedom your ancestors
Thought they fought for.
a way that only you can.
Create your village
in some God's image
bright dominating glorious mountain eyes!
lonely rivers that meet in bustling great runions,
hillsides peppered with lovers and lambs...
Fusions of trade and kitchens and farms,
collectives roam and plan,
houses high, inland-
No longer man for man.
As world forms,
as time unearths its raw toll on you,
don't fret, young soul.
I hear you
I see you
I feel you
In the thorns of my own misdeeds
Emotions, Heavy as black holes
I hope you are free now;
I hope you have
glorious and new worlds
next time around.
in the house
just won't stop.
focus on breathing.
but burning. smoke everywhere.
I am dredged inside and out
and now nothing lies flat in my life.
painful ocean floor meets littered beach shore,
storm clouds pushing through my thoughts,
choking-
smashing against the rocks for trying.
Dig deep and far and wide my dear.
this world is hazy.
The neighbor is crazy.
I'm feeling lazy.
Like Buddha would say
have you found the middle way?
Help each other
out and through
What more is there to do?
What should we fucking do
Lonely with you here,
Nothing is clear,
two souls on board
two separate souls, I'm told.
the world keeps churning through the days
feather light,
Bring me prayer
Our Knower in heaven
Greatly revered is your name
Our kingdom come
Our will be done,
Thinker, knower and doer. Hallowed Trinity.
I accept the new day, grateful it came my way.
Forgive like your breathe form depended on it.
No one owes you anything.
Don't stand on one side of the divide.
It runs central but outside of you.
It is steep on both sides and travels for a while,
Sardonically predictable,
So don't walk the sides.
Don't slip down or your energy will be lost.
Just walk the center line and hold your head high.
Learn to look up and feel the clouds against your skin.
Close your eyes and step forward like on a beam, walking across the sky.
Don't slip, don't take a side, don't fall into the slide,
Else the walk goes on
And on
Forever.
Have I been here, at the edge of a world about to crumble?
